Not sure about this "blog" thing.

More than six months have passed since my last blog entry. During these months, I certainly thought about writing a post, but I intentionally put it off because I was in the middle of a heated inner dialogue: to continue blogging for Hope-Full or creating a new and anonymous blog.

The summer and fall have passed and this morning Puxatony Phil came out of his cave - or wherever he lives - and said that spring was only six weeks away, so I decided to make a decision. I will begin to write Hope-Full again. I will probably start a new blog as well and keep it private. The issue is not that I want to write about deep seated secrets and neurosis (I already have) but that inevitably I will take into perspective the audience: friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, and total strangers, letting the knowledge of this visibility influence what I write or how deeply I write.

After all this build up, what do I want to write about? What do I have to say? Should I just provide a quick re-cap of where I am not? Nah, this is not a Dear Diary thing. I will offer that I was not in fact pregnant when I wrote the Juno post. However, the following month, I was pregnant.

In typical fashion, my husband and I had decided to wait another six months or so before trying and bada-bing-bada-boom (why am I using terms like bada-boom?, I was pregnant - and, oh, what a whirl-wind it has been. From learning that there might be complications, to that it might be twins, to learning, it was a boy! Another boy!~?.

I was pretty dang sure I was having a girl. I even went out and bought a few little girl outfits at a yard sale in anticipation. Deep down, I knew it was a boy. Also, because the issues in the first trimester, I had several early ultrasounds and one of the technicians, said that, although she could not say for sure, she thought it was a boy. Even so, I still kept hope.

When the sex was confirmed at 18 or 20 weeks, I was prepared. Admittedly, I was disappointed because I know that there is a 99.9% chance that this will be my last child and the way some young women fantasized about getting married (I never did), I fantasized about having a daughter and teaching her to be a strong young woman with self-esteem and a sense of humor. Don't get my wrong, my boys are going to be taught to be proper feminists as well. My husband accepts it and gets it, as much as he can. He wants to balance the gender neutral stuff with totally stereotypically stuff. Balance. This is the key to life. Our boys will engage in boxing for sport and self-defense and read bell hooks and Gloria Steinem for fun!

Just for Facebook

Cosmos. Wireless. Skinny jeans. Fives years behind each new trend you will find me strolling along - whimsically - slowly catching up to a now totally dated trend. Facebook - now apparently referred to as "Facelift" by the young'uns was no different.

Friends had been asking me to join Le Facebook for years. The students with whom I work were on it religiously. But, me. I was 'too kool for school' and resisted because I did not want to feel obligated to be social. Until recently.

I joined the cultural train that is Facebook about six months ago. It has been mostly underwhelming but kind of awesome in other ways. On a random December evening, I created an account - I guess I had been feeling kind of lonely because none of my friends were responding to my e-mails any more. It was as if noone used e-mail to communicate for social purposes anymore. I figured it was time I stop being an arrogant killjoy and join. Before I even clicked "submit" on my profile page, I had invitations to accept. Lots of them.

Now I had "friends". I was a little promiscuous at first - accepting any ol' friend request, even taking it upon myself to make the first move in some cases. I believe there were even "pokes" involved. I don't even know what this means - still - but it sounded important. Before I knew it Facebook was a part of my daily routine, like checking e-mail used to be. I enjoyed the banter from co-workers most of all. Odd, since we sit just feet away from one another but somehow it seems like Facebook was designed for co-workers to commiserate with one another and naturally, to gossip. To a certain degree, Facebook has brought us closer together - through recapping a particularly captivating "team" meeting or a commentary on "What No to Wear." Such online banter is so totally unprofessional, yet so totally vital to getting through the day.

However, as we all know, there are unattractive aspects of being a part of this online "community" we call Facebook, including the fact that all of a sudden I had way too many "friends" - ninety-something to be un-exact; and I started seeing all of these random posts about people needing cups of coffee in the morning, sharing symptoms about their hay fever, or being notified that they just joined a "I hate Caillou" group. What the ...

Gratuitous or not, this is exactly what we want in such an online community. This is what Facebook is all about - updating one another on the minutiae that is our lives. Some folks share more than others. Some, more passive: reading posts, viewing photographs, or posting a comment or two. Others kick the activity up a notch while providing daily updates. For me, these people make Facebook worth our time. They keeping us logging in for more. While I tend lean more toward the voyeuristic user - admittedly I have posted a "Happy Friday" or two during my tenure; but I truly appreciate the frequent posters and the gestalt they add to my day.

Again, it ain't all fun ... I am sure it has happened to us all, a friend or acquaintance from the past reaches out reaches out his/her mouse and clicks "Friend Request." Recently this happened to me with a woman from my high school days. While I was totally curious about what this former classmate/pathological liar was up to nowadays, I ignored her request. Guilt jabbed me every time, I clicked on the inbox where her request politely sat, staring at me (her profile picture was a cat). Respectfully I did not give in because I knew I had no intention of offering her true friendship.

On several levels I knew my inaction was the right decision but was recently reminded us this when a mutual connection shared that this same woman totally freaked out online - on Facebook. Apparently she began taunting her "friends". In what I would assume was anger derived from hurt, she posted for her "friend" community to see, "I am deleting you (from FB) because you say you are my friend ... but you do not comment on my posts yet when a 'popular kid' says the same thing, you respond to them. I guess Facebook is not for me."

Scary. Sad. Reality. Welcome to Facebook.